I have two identities. I operate at two levels. I feel that I exist at two different levels. One is real and the other is non-real. One is original and the other is acquired, manufactured. The one that is original has been forgotten and the non-real one seems to be real.
When I interact with the world, I operate at one level. At this level, I think and worry about my profit and loss, my future, my image, my position. I have views about people. I have an image of the world in my mind. That's how I look at the world and interact with people. I collect inputs about the world through my five senses. When I interact with someone, I interact with that image that I have in my mind about the person. I have my opinions, beliefs, biases and prejudices. When I have to act, I use and move my hands and feet. I can hold on to things in my mind, things that are of interest to me and the things I like to think about for long. Then based on the need, I shift my mind to another object that I need to worry or think about. I get stuck with these things for long. Then something pops up from memory and I start thinking about that. I feel happy, sad, angry, excited or worried. I encounter anxiety, restlessness, distractions, desires and fears.
At this level, I try to protect my image and my identities. I live my identity as a son, a father, a husband, a student, an employee, a friend and many more. In each of these identities, I want acceptance and validation from others that I am being good and responsible. I have an image of how others see me in a particular identity, or I try to project an image, and I want to protect that image. I want to feel that I am doing everything that I can possibly do, honestly and responsibly. I want to look good and appear smart, perfect and flawless.
At this level, I have desires to do things. I want to go out and accomplish things. I have my ambitions. At this level, I also want to do more of those things that I like doing and those that make me happy. I want to be with people who make me feel good. I want to create more, showcase my talent to the world and seek admirations and adulations. At this level, I want to grow, acquire and expand.
But at this level, I also get power to think, feel, move and act. I can discriminate, decide and imagine.
But then there is another level of existence.
When I go deep in silence, I feel that I am. I can feel the movement of energy inside my body. I can feel an abundance of joy, love, bliss and compassion. I may be still and calm, but I am alert. I get this feeling that the other level where I was operating has collapsed like a pack of cards. I have always been this, where I am not somebody or something.
I feel that all the happiness that I used to get was coming from this. But I had added so many layers of dust and color on top that this had become invisible. All the intelligence that I have been so proud of and through which I was achieving great things, was supplied from this layer underneath. The energy which helped me move, run and do great things was nothing but the energy that I feel at this level.
I feel that this energy, which is kinetic, is the power behind all my actions. At the same time, it is also intelligent and is the power behind my intellect. I am able to direct my attention to any object in my mind or any part of my body, and I feel this attention ten times more intense than what it usually is. Sometimes, I feel that that there is no separation between that object and myself. This energy flows freely and effortlessly, without getting stuck on any specific object or thought.
I feel that this same energy becomes my power of attention. Sometimes, I feel that there is no movement in this energy, and it is completely at rest and still. Then there is only stillness and awareness. And I am all peace and blissful and full of love and free.
The important questions are:
1. Which is my real self? Are both real or both unreal? is there a real self at all?
2. At any moment, am I aware of which level I am dwelling at?
3. What is it that separates the two levels of existence?
4. Is there a way to go back to the real self at will?
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